You know, my parents raised me to be tolerant, even accepting, of other people's differences. And it worked, to a degree. I'm not racist, or anti-any-religion, or sexist, or even an ageist.
But when it comes to sexual orientation, I have to say -- I've tried really hard to be tolerant. I've struggled for years to overlook some other people's disgusting and frankly evil behavior, telling myself "they can't help it, they're a part of God's plan. I just need to love them as they are."
But...enough is enough. I can't do it any more. I'm tired. I've tried for over thirty years to be accepting. And honestly, what's the payback? Anyone? Anyone??
Please forgive me, Lord, but I've had an epiphany. And I apologize to all the people who will be offended by the following statement, but you have to believe that I have honestly tried to love you as Christ would.
But the fact of the matter is that when all the plusses and minuses are weighed there can only be one conclusion: HETEROSEXUALITY IS AN ABOMINATION UNTO THE PLANET.
I have stood by as you evil straight people have led the human race into two world wars and countless other barbaric skirmishes, staining the soil with human blood. Of the last 1000 wars fought on the face of the planet earth, not one was started by a homosexual.
I have watched in horror (or read about) members of your orientation that have ruthlessly butchered millions upon millions of souls.
Pol Pot, Stalin, Ivan the Terrible, Hitler, Napoleon, Ghengis Khan, Mao Tse Tung, Idi Amin, Vlad the Impaler, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden...the worst embodiments of evil the world has ever seen: heterosexuals, all.
Henry Lee Lucas, John Wayne Gacy, Charles Manson, and the rest of the world's worst serial killers: breeders.
Just try to think of a gay man or lesbian who has had as profoundly negative or as far-reaching an impact on the entire world as you nasty straight people.
I mean, let's face it, honey: you freaks have brought us to the brink of nuclear war. Not just once, but several times! Sure, my 'sisters' and I are all just here trying to make sure our hair looks okay...but you go ahead and destroy the whooooole damn planet, why don't you?
It's ridiculous. Rape...straight guys! Child molestation? Michael Jack--I mean, straight guys! Statistics show that they are overwhelmingly -- like 99% or something! -- heterosexual crimes, despite what your fear-mongering minister might claim from the pulpit.
Lee Harvey Oswald? Straight guy! John Wilkes Boothe? Hell-oo, hetero! Benedict Arnold? Slept with women! That weird guy whose name escapes me who had the fixation with Jodie Foster? Totally geeky straight guy! David Koresh, Timothy McVeigh, Jim Jones, Terry Nichols -- cult leaders, anti-American terrorists, and assassins...all not gay.
(With the exception, maybe of those people who shaved their heads and wore the purple socks and ate the bad yogurt in California.)
So frankly, Straight America, this is one queen who is tired of hearing your sh*t. You're going to call US evil? Have you ever seen a mirror without cracking it?
You poor straight folks have already ruined the institution of marriage all by yourselves, asshats. What? You think that 50% divorce rate is caused by husbands running off to hit it with another guy? Ah...no.
You're all sleeping with each other. You don't have any farking respect for the institution of marriage, and now you want to get all sancitmonious?
Let me ask you this - why not make the penalty for adultery more severe? Oh...that's YOU. I see. Well why not outlaw divor--oh, YOU again. Okay. Huh. Well, at the very least you better stop the damn homosexuals from getting the right to marry because THEY might actually stay together more successfully than YOU do. And how the hell are you going to explain that??
So, look: get your acts together. It's not like I dislike you all based on some obscure religious tracts in some part of the Bible that nobody even takes seriously any more. I'm open to FACTS. So if you just clean up your own side of the street, I'm willing to come around and stop thinking that you're satan's minions.
Just stop killing each other over resources or religion, stop sleeping with each other when you're married, stop committing genocide and rape and murder, and then we can talk.
Until then, though, STFU.
And god bless.