In response, gentle traveller, to the prayers of your pathetic world, THE GOD COMPLEX proudly presents the afore mentioned laws of swimsuits. You live in troubled times and if I, as an immortal of the mount, can make your life a little easier, I am want to try.
Please note the following rules:
If the flesh of your legs, when viewed in natural light, appears to be coated in sour cream, plain yogurt, or mayonaisse (for these purposes only, this includes the visually identical, but indescribably superior Miracle Whip), you should not wear any type of shorts or skirts that may expose your legs to the general public.
If your flesh in any way exhibits motions best describes as "settling" when you cease voluntary locomotion, you must refrain from shorts above the knee and/or any type of shirt that does not overlap the waistband of your trousers by at least 8 inches.
Ladies, if any connecting materials of your swimsuit may be obscured by displaced flesh, you must opt for a more demure swimsuit for public appearances.
Gentleman, should you midsection in any way enter the line of sight of the waistband, you are directed to dispose of any and all Speedo swimsuits in you possession.
If any part of your body, that on a normally fit individual is recessed, will stick out and sweat to the point of transparently, you must resolve not to wear light coloured cottons clothing.
For all beach goers. If, due to its size or relative conditioning, your bottom may interfere with the viewing of the "thong" portion of a thong bathing suit, thereby causing it to appear to be hanging in space, it is imperative that you opt for a full cut suit.
Updates will follow as needed.